


Nevermore

by peaceloveandjocularity



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Car Accident, Gen, Major character death - Freeform, Single Father
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:00:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24808918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peaceloveandjocularity/pseuds/peaceloveandjocularity
Summary: This has been cooling its heels in my documents for a month or so now and I haven't worked on it at all. So here it is.
Relationships: Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce & "Trapper" John McIntyre, Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce & Erin Hunnicutt, Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce & Original Character
Comments: 1
Kudos: 6





	Nevermore

Hawkeye was changing Beth’s diaper as she laid on the bed. It was their first night alone since she’d been born— he and BJ had finally convinced her, after nearly six months, to go on a date and she’d chosen BJ. That was fine with Hawkeye. He pinned the diaper closed and pulled the shirt back over Beth’s stomach. 

“Hey, bluebird! Can you come here for a second?” 

Erin came bouncing into the room, her pigtails bobbing. “Dad!” She screeched, tackling him from behind. 

“Hey darling. Do you want to be a helper?” 

“Yes!” She climbed up on the bed and laid beside Beth, a big toothy grin on her face. “Hi, Lisbeth. Dad gets to put us to bed while mommy and daddy are on their daaaate.” She rolled over and played with Beth’s hair as it curled over her ears. 

“Alright, can you lay with Beth while I see if her bottle is warmed up yet? She should be hungry soon and it’s almost bedtime for both of you.” 

“Awwww,” she whined, throwing her arms out, narrowly missing Beth’s head. 

“Hey, be careful.” Hawk said, darting his arm in between Erin’s hand and Beth’s face. “Come on, you almost hit her.” 

“Dad I don’t want to go to bed!” 

“Well tough cookies! It’s almost 10:00 and mommy usually has you in bed by now. I’m only letting you stay up because it’s Friday but you got up early for school this morning. Now are you going to keep an eye on Beth so I can warm her bottle or are you going to bed right this minute?” 

Erin turned over and stared at Beth, her face only inches away from Beth. “Watchin’.” 

“Thank you.” Hawk started humming as he walked away and he could hear Beth mimic him from the bed. Erin took over humming to her and his heart sang in his chest. This little family was the best thing to happen to him. He grabbed the bottle from the pot on the stove and wrapped it in a bottle. It had sat in the warm water long enough to heat the milk through. He wiped the excess water off and tossed the towel onto the counter. He shifted the still warm pot to the back of the stove and walked back up the stairs. 

As he rounded the corner to the bedroom, Hawkeye could hear Erin still singing to Elizabeth. “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.” Hawk leaned against the door case and watched them. “You make me happy when skies are gray. You never know dear how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away.” 

Hawk stepped in. “You’re such a good singer, Erin. You’ll have to sing for me, mommy and daddy in the morning.” He clapped his hands. “Alright, mademoiselles, it’s bed time for both of you. Erin, run and brush your teeth and I’ll get Beth to sleep alright? Then I’ll be in to read your story to you.” 

Erin padded out the room and Hawk could hear the water turn on in the bathroom. 

“Alright, bluebird is getting washed up for sleep and now it’s time for you, little dove, to go to sleep.” Hawk picked up Beth and cradled him in his arm, carrying her over to the rocking chair in the corner of the bedroom. “Heaven,” he began to sing. “I’m in heaven and my heart beats so that I can hardly speak, and I seem to find the happiness I seek when we’re out together dancing cheek to cheek.” He spun in a slight circle before plopping back into the chair, earning himself a bright toothless grin. “You’re beautiful.” 

Hawkeye eased the bottle nipple between her mouth and she latched on eagerly. “Of course it’s easy to say that when you look just like me.” 

Beth looked up at him, her gray eyes shining.

“Your eyes haven’t darkened much. I think your eyes are going to be bright blue. Maybe even brighter than Erin’s.” 

Erin, as if hearing her name, walked back in the room, her bare feet slapping across the wooden floors. She climbed in the bed and pulled the blankets up to her chest. “Dad can I sleep in here with you?” 

“Where are mommy and daddy supposed to sleep when they get home, huh?” 

“The bed’s big enough! They can sleep in my bed!” 

Hawk shushed her, watching as Beth’s eyes started to droop. “Alright you can stay in here tonight but if mommy and daddy want you back in your room when they get home, you have to go. No fighting.”

“No fighting. Got it.” She shuffled deeper beneath the sheet and laid her head on Hawkeye’s pillow, smirking as he glared at her. She reached under BJ’s pillow and pulled out a book. “Can we read Harold?” 

“Harold again?” Hawkeye sighed, rubbing his eyes. “Alright. Open it up to the first page.” 

Erin opened the book and shuffled to the first page. 

“One evening,” Hawk started with a yawn, “after thinking it over for some time, Harold decided to go for a walk in the moonlight. There wasn’t any moon, and Harold needed a moon for a walk in the moonlight. Turn the page.” 

Erin turned the page and snuggled into her pillow.

“And he needed something to walk on. He made a long straight path so he wouldn’t get lost. Turn. And he set off on his walk, taking his big purple crayon with him.” Hawk continued the book from memory, finishing the whole story though Erin had fallen asleep about halfway through. “The purple crayon dropped on the floor. And Harold dropped off to sleep.” 

Hawk stood up and eased Beth into her cradle, pulling a light blanket around her legs. “Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight noises everywhere. Goodnight you.” He pressed a kiss to Beth’s forehead. “And you.” He pressed a kiss to Erin’s forehead, closing her book and setting it on the nightstand before climbing beneath the covers. “And goodnight me.” He clicked off the bedside lamp and fell fast asleep as Erin curled in against him.

_____

Hawkeye woke up once in the night around 2 am and something felt wrong. BJ and Peg weren’t home yet. The house was silent. Beth hadn’t so much as stirred. He looked at the cradle and watched her sleep until she eventually started whimpering.

He held her until she fell sleep and eased her back into her cradle, rocking her as she slept. It was less for her and more to comfort himself. 

Hawk wasn’t sure when he fell asleep, but he woke up to a sunny room. He glanced over at the alarm clock on the nightstand— 5:30. BJ and Peg weren’t in the bed. He stood up and walked down the hallway. They weren’t in Hawk’s old room. They weren’t in Erin’s room. 

Hawk ran down the stairs. They weren’t in the living room. They weren’t in the kitchen. The car wasn’t in the driveway. 

His heart ached in his chest. Where were they?

He brewed a pot of coffee and began making breakfast for everybody. They must’ve just stayed out too late and gotten a room somewhere instead of coming back home. Right? 

Hawk sat in silence at the table, listening to the birds singing outside. It all felt wrong. A raven cawed just outside the window and Hawk stood up. He walked to the window and stared at the bird on the patio. It stared back at him. He began to pace the kitchen, the raven watching his every movement.

“I feel a bit of insanity creeping in. Now I’m used to the insanity— I was locked up for it once, but at least then I knew why I was going insane.” Hawk heard Beth cry from upstairs. He looked toward the stairway and looked back at the raven. “Duty calls,” he said, walking away. The raven watched him until he couldn’t anymore. 

Hawk walked into the bedroom and grabbed Beth from her crib. “Good morning little dove. You have to quiet down so you don’t wake Erin. Now you and I both know she _should_ wake up, but where’s the harm in a little Dad/Beth time, huh? I made breakfast. For you, we have sloppy oatmeal. Sloppy oatmeal is much preferred to the army’s rock hard oatmeal and I hope you take my word for it. I don’t know what I’d do if you and Erin decided to enlist.” He pressed a kiss to her nose. “At least you’ll never be drafted. Thank goodness for little miracles.” 

Hawkeye set Beth in her high chair and grabbed the cooled oatmeal from the counter. “Your food, milady, with our compliments from the chef.” He held the spoon in front of her and she ate it down quickly. “You have an appetite that could rival Radar sometimes, did you know that? Nearly his size, too.” 

The raven crowed outside the window and Hawk stared out at the lawn. 

“That raven’s really starting to creep me out a bit. I think it has a crush on me. What do you think?” 

Beth spit out some of her oatmeal. 

“Well what else could it be, huh?” 

Erin came down the stairs, her palms rubbing at her eyes. “G’morning, Dad,” she said with a yawn. 

“Good morning. Pancakes are on the counter. Help yourself or give me a few minutes to feed Beth, okay?” 

“I’’ll wait,” she said, slumping into a chair. The raven cawed again and Erin darted over to the window to watch it. The bird was fearless. Erin was only feet away from the raven, separated only by a thin pane of glass. “Dad look at this big bird!” 

“It’s a raven. It’s pretty big huh? They’re supposed to be super smart birds but this one’s been staring at me all morning.” 

She stared at the bird, giggling as it cawed at her. “I like her. She’s pretty.” 

The raven flew off, cawing as she took to the sky. “There she goes.” Hawkeye eased the last spoonful of oatmeal past Beth’s lips and smiled as she swallowed it immediately. “All done. Alright, come sit down and I’ll get you some pancakes.” He pulled out a plate and cut up one of the smaller pancakes, dripping syrup all over it. “Here. I didn’t make bacon this time, sorry.” 

Erin grabbed a fork and stabbed the chunk of pancake, bringing it to her nose before shoving the whole piece in her mouth. Hawk poured her a glass of milk and leaned against the counter. “How’d you sleep?” 

“On my back,” she quipped, talking around a mouthful of food. 

“Mouthy,” Hawk teased. “And you slept on your side for most of the night, I’ll have you know.” He heard someone knocking at the door and he turned his head toward the door. “I’ll be right back, okay? Keep an eye on Beth.” 

Hawk rolled his eyes with a fond smile as Erin moved her chair closer to the high chair and stared intently at the baby. He walked to the front door and opened it coming face to face with BJ’s parents. 

"Good morning. Fancy seeing you here this early. I made pancakes if you want to come in and have some.” 

“Hawkeye, where are the girls?” 

“They’re… in the kitchen. What’s going on?” He thought back to the raven. 

“Can we come in and sit? In the living room maybe?” Hawk had never seen Jay so serious. 

“I— yeah let me go get Beth from her chair.” He stepped back and went to the kitchen to grab the baby. “Grandma and Grandpa are here when you’re all done eating, okay bluebird?” 

“Grandma’s here?!” Erin dropped her fork on the table and took off to the front door. “Grandma! Grandpa!” She launched into her grandmother’s arms. 

“Good morning, sweet pea. What do you think about you and Elizabeth staying with me for a few hours? We can go to my house or we can go play at a park, what do you think?” 

“I gotta ask Dad! Dad!” She turned around to run again and slammed right into Hawk’s legs. “Dad can me an’ Beth go with grandma to the park?” 

Hawk took one look at Jay who was nodding behind Bea. “Yeah of course. Go finish your pancake first.” 

Erin squealed with excitement and took off back to the kitchen. 

“What’s going on?” 

Bea took Beth from Hawkeye. “I’ll go give the girls a bath and get them dressed for the park,” she said, walking out of the room. 

“Jay, please. What’s happening?” 

“There’s been an accident.” Hawk’s heart dropped to his stomach. “The police need someone to confirm IDs. I— Bea won’t go and I can’t do it alone.” 

Hawkeye’s knees buckled, sending him to the floor. He thought of the last eight hours and everything he’d felt. He— “How long? When?” 

“The police came to our door around 3 am, maybe. They said it’d happened around 2. Some drunk driver or something. They seem pretty sure, I think, but they want confirmation anyway.” He pulled a handkerchief and wiped his nose with it. 

“Oh god,” Hawkeye said, sobbing. “Oh _god_.” 

“Come on, Hawk, let’s get you in a chair.” Jay hoisted him up and Hawk fell slack against him. Jay pulled him into his arms and held him as he sobbed, rubbing his back. “I know. I’m so sorry,” he said, crying. 

“I knew something was wrong. I knew it. I’ve had this— this— this sense of foreboding since the middle of the night. I woke up around two and I— oh god they died. I woke up and they were dying!” 

Jay led Hawkeye to the couch and Hawkeye dropped to the cushions. “Will you go with me? Bea can watch the girls.” 

“Yeah, I— I need to shower, I need to clean up and get dressed and— and— and hair and brush my teeth.” 

“Hawkeye—” 

“I have to get ready. I’ll be right back.” Hawk stood up and walked up the stairs. His eyes were red and his body looked haggard and weary. “I’ll be right back.” His body went through the motions. He cleaned himself, got dressed, combed his hair and brushed his teeth. He stared in the mirror and couldn’t quite recognize the man staring at him. He walked down the stairs and stared at Erin, putting her breakfast dishes in the sink. She turned and saw him and smiled wide. 

“All finished, Dad! Can I go with grandma now?” 

Hawk knelt down. “Come give me a kiss. I’ve gotta go with grandpa somewhere and you’re staying with grandma and Beth, okay? I’ll be back as soon as I can.” Erin ran up and threw her arms around Hawk’s neck. 

“I love you dad,” she whispered, squeezing his neck. 

Hawk held her even tighter. “Oh god, I love you so much, bluebird.” His hands were shaking as he held her close. 

“Dad, you’re squishin’ me,” she groaned. 

Hawk pulled back and wiped his eyes. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“Dad why are you so sad?” 

Hawk bit his lip. “I’ll tell you later, okay? Can I get a kiss?” 

Erin pressed a syrup covered kiss to his forehead. “I love you Dad,” she said again. “Be good.” 

“I will. You too, okay?” 

Erin smiled and turned around to run up the stairs. “Grandma I’m ready for my bath!” 

Hawk stayed on the floor and stared at Erin. Her bouncing curls, her kind eyes, her little button nose looked just like Peg. Her goofy smile though— that was all BJ. And Beth— Beth had Peg’s curls and BJ’s laugh and Hawk’s coloring. Both girls were reminders of what he was losing. 

Hawk didn’t feel anything but numb. 

He stood up and went to the living room. “I’m ready to go,” he said to Jay who was sitting quietly on the couch. 

Jay wiped at his eyes with his handkerchief. “Let’s go.” 

The ride into the city was silent. Hawkeye stared out the window. It was better to feel numb than to break down again. Looking at Jay only reminded him of his son. He stared out the window. His heart felt like a gaping hole in his chest. It was a good thing Jay was driving because Hawk would have had no clue what to do or where to go. Soon enough they were pulling up outside the hospital. 

Fuck, how was Hawk supposed to come back here for work every day? How was he supposed to work here every day? Jay parked the car and turned it off but made no move to get out. 

“How am I supposed to do this Hawkeye? They— that could be my baby boy in there. And Peg, sweet Peg.” 

“It’s my fault,” Hawk blurted out. His chest heaved with each breath. Jay could hear his breathing even over the ringing in his own ears. “I was the one who told them to go on the date. I spent weeks convincing Peg that I could watch the girls and the night she finally agrees, this happens. What— who gets the girls? I’m not Erin’s father— not legally. What if the girls get split up?” 

“That won’t happen. Bea and I won’t let it.” 

“What if Peg’s parents want them? What could I do to fight them?” He slumped down in the seat. “No. This isn’t happening. They’re in a hotel somewhere. They’re just sleeping and they’ll be home soon. That’s it. We can turn around and go home.” He reached over and grabbed the keys, turning them in the ignition. “C’mon. We can make it to the park with Bea.” 

“Hawkeye—” 

“Come on. Beej and Peg are on their way home now. They have to be,” Hawk said, his voice cracking. “Right? They have to be.” 

“Come on, Hawkeye. Let’s head in. We’ll get our answers.” 

“Jay it’s— it can’t be them.” 

Jay wrapped an arm around Hawk’s shoulders and led him into the hospital. Hawk was greeted by his coworkers, people he saw on a regular basis, but he didn’t hear a thing. It wasn’t until he physically ran into Trapper that he even registered anything. He stared at Trap’s face. 

“Hawk what’re ya doin’ here?” 

Hawk just stared at him. 

“Hawk, are you okay? Talk to me.” 

Hawk leaned against Trap dazed. 

Trapper grabbed Hawk by the shoulders and dragged him into the break room. “Hawk, what’s going on?” 

Jay stepped up. “We’re heading to the morgue,” he said quietly. “Can you show me the way?” 

“We’re here to ID but it’s not— it can’t be them Trap. They’re at home now.” Hawk sunk into a chair. “They have to be. They’re just running late.” 

“Hawk,” Trapper started, “you think you’re up for this?” 

“It’s not them, Trap.” 

Jay pat Hawkeye on the shoulder. “I’ll be back, Hawkeye, okay?” 

“I’ll go with you. It’ll be— I’ll go with you. I’ll see you, Trap.” 

Trapper shrugged off his exam coat. “How about I go with you? I’m just about ready for my break anyway.” He looked down at his watch. “Actually it’s almost the end of my shift.” 

They wandered to the morgue silently. Hawk was half leaning on Trap as they walked and he was more than happy to hold him up— he just wishes it weren’t for this reason. They pushed through the doors and were immediately met with the coroner. 

“Dr Pierce. Dr McIntyre. What are you doing here?” 

“Dr Pierce and I are here for identification,” Jay said as Hawkeye moved toward two covered figures side by side. 

Hawk eased the sheet back and had to hold himself up against the table, sobbing. His hand shook as he reached out to stroke BJ’s cheek. He looked like he was asleep. He was asleep. He had to be. He looked so peaceful.

He was so cold. 

Hawk could hear Jay sobbing by the doors. He turned around and stared at the other sheet. His hands were shaking. Hawk wasn’t even trying to hold the tears back anymore. He pulled it down and stared numbly at Peg’s face. Her hair was still curled from their date. Her lips were still stained with the remnants of her lipstick. 

His hand brushed at a stray hair that had fallen against her neck. They both looked peaceful, unharmed. 

“What killed them?” 

“Internal hemorrhaging due to extreme trauma.” 

Hawk sobbed at the thought. It wasn’t a fast death, then. He wiped at the tears trailing down his face. “Can I have a few minutes?” 

The coroner led Jay out of the room and Trap approached Hawk. “It’s them then? I’m so sorry Hawk.” 

“They were the loves of my life,” Hawk whispered. “This is all my fault. They wouldn’t have been out if it weren’t for me.” 

“Hawk, it’s not your fault. You couldn’t have known.” 

“Where’s the guy who hit them?” Hawk asked, his voice cold. 

“I dunno. I heard he didn’t make it either though. Severe head trauma.” 

“I hope he suffered more than they did.” Hawk searched for their hands beneath the sheets and locked their fingers together. These weren’t the hands he remembered. “Oh god, there’s— I have so much to do. How am I supposed to— I can’t _survive_ without them, Trap. I— if it weren’t for them I’d have died years ago, especially Beej. I know I don’t talk about Korea after you left but I— it was bad, Trap. It was really bad. If it weren’t for BJ, I’d actually be dead now. And now he’s—” 

“I’m so sorry, Hawkeye. I know it don’t mean anything but I’m so fuckin’ sorry.” 

“You’re not going to die, are you?” Trap wrapped his arms around Hawkeye and pulled him into a hug. Hawk’s hands released BJ and Peg’s and wrapped around Trap’s neck. “Please don’t leave me, too. I— Tommy and now Beej and Peg. I can’t lose anyone else close to me so soon.” 

“I’ll fight death with my bare hands for you, okay? You an’ me are in this for the long haul, okay? What do ya need right now?” Trap began to rock Hawk back and forth in place. 

“I need my husband and wife back,” Hawk sobbed. 

“If I could do that for you Hawk, I’d do it in a heartbeat. You know I would.” Trap held Hawk as he ran out of tears. “Let’s get you out of here, okay?” 

Hawk nodded and let himself be led out of the morgue. He was back to feeling numb. His eyes hurt. His chest hurt. His heart was breaking. “I need to see the girls. I need them. Let’s— where’s Jay?” 

“C’mon Hawk I’ll drive you two home. Neither of you should be driving right now.” 

“I’ve driven in worse condition than this.” 

“Yeah and I’ve been a victim of your drivin’. Let me help, Hawk.” He stopped at his office on the way by and grabbed his wallet and tossed his stethoscope on the desk. “I just gotta let someone know I’m ducking out early. I’ve only got half an hour left of my shift anyhow. They got two more doctors in here already; they’ll be fine.” 

Hawk walked to the break room and saw Jay sitting inside. “Jay, Trap’s gonna drive us home. Something something worried. I don’t know.” 

Jay handed his keys over to Trap and the three men walked back to the car. The ride home was nearly as silent as the way out with the the occasional sniffle. Hawk sat in the back, mutely staring out the window. He couldn’t cry anymore. He couldn’t feel anything. He watched the lines roll beneath the car. 

What if he died right now?

He couldn’t do that, it wouldn’t be fair to Bea and Jay to raise babies long after they’d raised their own. 

But he could. 

There wasn’t many people who’d miss him now. Beth wouldn’t remember him and Erin would adjust. But his dad… 

Fuck. He couldn’t do that to Erin and Beth or his dad. Or the Haydens. Or the Hunnicutts. 

Trap pulled into their driveway— how did Trap know where they lived? Where… he lived. Where he and the girls lived. Did Jay tell him? Hawk hadn’t even heard anything. 

He got out of the car and Erin greeted him at the end of the sidewalk, her arms wrapping around his legs. “Dad, mommy and daddy aren’t home. They’re not coming home are they?” 

Hawk’s heart felt like a knife was stabbed through it. “Who— did grandma say something?” 

Erin looked at her feet. “I listened to you and grandpa and I asked grandma about it.” 

Hawk sunk to the ground and pulled Erin into his lap. “No, baby. They’re not coming home.” Tears started streaming from his eyes. “I’m so sorry.” 

Erin threw her arms around Hawk’s neck. “Dad?” 

“I’m so sorry, Bluebird.” He pulled her in tight and ran his hand down her hair. “I’m so sorry.” 

“Hawk,” Trap said to him. “Let her go. You’re squeezing the life outta her. Erin honey, go find your grandma, okay?” 

“I’ll take her,” Jay said, hoisting her up on his hip. “Come on, sweet pea.” 

Trap knelt down beside Hawkeye. “Hawk can you hear me? You can’t shut down on me, okay? Those girls need you. You’re all they got now.”

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave comments and kudos!
> 
> Follow me on tumblr @peaceloveandjocularity


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